Lets Talk About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in our communities. In California on September 13 2019, 6902 individuals reached out for help related to domestic violence. On the other side of the world, between January and September 2019, spouses killed 152 women in Bangladesh. Among them, 11 were of ages 7 to 18. Another 66 died in the hands of family and relatives and 42 women committed suicides. This number is not reflective of the actual incidents as not all of the incidents make it to the newspapers. Secondly, physical abuse is not the only indicator of domestic violence. It happens in various ways. Today I  listen to the perspective of Indira chakravarty, a long time victims’ advocate in the USA working with South Asian women on this issue:

Domestic violence happens within all gender groups. We see 85% to 95% of incidents happening against women. That’s why we put more emphasis on women victims than others. Looking at the history one can find that the root of alll violence against women stem from the patriachal society. Violence is inflicted to have power and control over another person. It can happen in many ways: physical, mental, sexual, however one can assert power and control . Many among us think that it happens within a particular group: poor, uneducated, or in a particular country or in any specific religious group; that is wrong. There is no boundary. It happens in all different communities. The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 3 women around the world is a victim of violence.

I have worked with women from Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and other population groups. They come to the Bay area in different visa categories, even as human trafficking victims. Many are here in spouse dependent visas which create an environment that is potent for abuse. Some of them dont know if they have any help available and they can reach out to someone. Many women go through physical, mental, sexual,, financial and other forms of abuse. They are constantly being lied to about whats happening, making them believe that all is their fault. One particular category of abusers in the Bay area have good jobs. The women may not be able to work for many reasons including lack of work authorization. Spouses may not allow them to go out and get involved in activities so that they can be isolated and abused without anyone knowing. Many are not able to blend in a new cultural environment immediately. So they become completely dependent on their spouses. Those who work, may not have control over their own earnings and may only have access to limited funds. They are constantly put down in front of their friends. Friends may not even believe that there is any abuse going on, since the abuser is charming in front of everyone. Other than lack of employment there are many reasons, women may not be able to leave an abusive relationship. The cycle of violence continues, things are good one day , the next day they are the worst. Its is very confusing to decide is he an abuser or is this just a temporary outburst? He is inflicting violence, and then asking for forgiveness. Sometimes blaming the wife, pointing out that she is the reason for this behavior. Then add on the pressure and persuasion from family and friends that she should compromise. As a woman, it is her duty to create a loving family. So many reasons a woman can not just leave. We know that asking a woman why she does not leave an abusive situation is one of the worst things anyone can say. She knows her truth why she can not leave.

In South Asia if a marriage proposal comes from abroad, families agree to get their daughters married without checking anything. Families should inquire thoroughly about the groom not just hear what his immediate family has to say. Remember, you are sending your daughter to a far away place. You can not just go and rescue her if something happens. So its very important to learn about the groom. Especially if there has been another relationship or marriage, inquire why that did not work out. Same with when the bride chooses her own groom. It is difficult to understand in the first few meetings if one is likely to be a controlling person. So if a family or the girl is unable to find any red flags, they should not be blamed. I will go ahead and mention a few from my experience. The prospective groom is nice but shows sudden burst of anger; likes the potential bride but otherwise makes derogatory comments about women in general- these are definite red flags. It is important to remember that the responsibility of violence is only the abuser’s. One can choose his or her behavior on how to handle anger, frustration.

Before ending, I want to address few myths and misconceptions many community members believe in.

Domestic violence is not a disease. It is not caused by any physical or emotional issue, it is not caused by anyone’s provocation and it is not caused by alcohol. It is 100% a learned behavior. Learnt from family and society. There are many choices we have as human beings to react to frustrating situations. If one chooses violence to resolve conflict with spouse, that person is solely responsible for the behavior. In our society, many men continue to abuse because they see no accountability and feel entitled to behave anyway they want.

Anyone can become a victim of domestic violence. From a rocket scientist to the house maid, no one is safe. On the same note anyone can become an abuser; from the Rocket scientist to the gatekeeper.

Lethality rate in domestic violence situations is very high. If we act responsibly and provide assistance in time, many deaths can be prevented. I feel bystander responsibility should be the norm. Domestic violence is not just a problem for a family, it affects the society in many direct and indirect ways. So I would say Believe your gut feeling about these things. If problems happens, reach out to organizations. Maitri is in the Bay area. There are many in CA. Learn about your options and decide. To the Family I say: believe them, support them. Help them how they want to be helped.

Listen to the Bangla Podcast: https://soundcloud.com/user-642932151-109330954/final-version-2

Indira Chakravarty has been Working to end domestic violence/help survivors since 1991/92. Cofounder of two agencies in Texas (Austin and Houston) and a dedicated volunteer at Maitri and other DV organizations. She has Managed and trained people in 40 hours State mandated Advocates’ training.

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