Talking to my sons about Feminism

1. “Maa, why are girls always at the front of the line?”

“Why you ask? Whats the matter?”

“We were lining up to drink water after recess, my teacher said-Girls go at the front. I was way back at the line and barely had time to drink properly. Last week, the theatre troupe came to class, we were all lining up to meet them. My teacher said, girls go ahead of the line. The troupe left before my turn came. Why are girls always at the front?”

2. “What play is this maa? How does sending all men to prison bring peace in the world? I am feeling very bad”

“ Oh no, this is a Satire. I am performing this part of “ Sultana’s Dream” at the San Francisco Art Museum. Please don’t feel bad. This is a satire meaning brining social ills to light through comedy”.

“This is not a joking matter”

3. “ Maa, why do you always discriminate against boys? You talk of feminism, women’s rights, women’s wellbeing all the time, read about those. Men are human beings too. They have the need for wellbeing too, isn’t it?”

For someone like me who spent almost a lifetime being an activist for women’s rights, these questions came almost as a feeling of stumbling on stone. Within a few months of taking admission in Dhaka University, I found myself at the door step of a well reputed Bangla newspaper “Bhorer Kagoj” (The morning Paper” ) and began my penmanship writing about issues that affect women and girls. During an internship with “ Ain O Shalish Kendra” (ASK , Human Rights) as a law student I worked on a book titled, “Laws on Violence Against Women in Bangladesh”. I was busy throughout the late nineties writing in various news outlets on the same topic. As a professional in California, I work daily with survivors of domestic violence within the South Asian Community in USA. This is second nature to me-being an activist for women’s rights. I have never come across such challenging questions. Most adults realize or keep quiet to avoid unpleasantness about the discussion that women are far behind men in education, professional achievement and as a whole in livelihood; offering them extra boost is almost a duty. Looking at our International obligations, it is very much a mandate. Bangladesh signed on to CEDAW (Convention to eliminate all sorts of Discrimination against Women) and instituted several affirmative action measures within the Bangladeshi Legal system for women. Helping women be on the same footing as men is the goal, only then there can be fair and equal competition. These concepts are nothing new for adults like you and me. Do we know how the new generation is viewing these extra benefits allowed to girls? Are our Young males in with us on this?

There is no doubt about the fact that all sorts of discrimination and violence against women stem from the poisonous tree of patriarchy. It is important to remind ourselves that all men are not believers of the supremacy of men as patriarchy propaganda may have us believe. Are we paying enough attention to our Boys making sure they don’t accept the poison fruit of patriarchy? The first lesson of gender equity come from the family. If equality does not exist between parents, all the talks of equity is likely to remain in textbooks for the children of the household. The whole world including Bangladesh has such an acute problem of domestic violence that the equality discussion may seem irrelevant at spaces. The child, who gets first hand lesson in controlling a woman physically and otherwise, needs a lot of attention and mindful unlearning techniques to become immune to that education. If we fail our boys in the movement to empower women and girls, if we do not take the time to have them participate, empowerment could just be a number’s game. Lets take an example of Bangladesh. For many years in a row Bangladesh ranks number 1 in political empowerment of women in the gender gap index of World Economic Forum. Looking at the cruelty and depravity of violence against women in everyday Bangladesh, one is tempted to ask, “What is this empowerment for?” Do you have everyone in our society participating in this empowerment effort? If My Sons did not point this out to me, I would have never given this a second thought. Feminism is not just a women’s issue- I would not care to dwell on this. I have changed my mind since then. How would my children become humanists if they don’t believe in feminism?

Feminism is not about discriminating against men- who better than me to explain to them? Now I talk to my sons often on these topics. I show them the achievements of many women heads of states as well as their disastrous policies. I talk to them about the context (Bengali Muslim Women suffering in invisible jail forever then) in 1905 when Begum Rokeya wrote that revolutionary satire dreaming of sending all men to jail. We talk about historical events that led women to get education, allowed to vote and gaining status as complete humans. How giving them extra boost is not against men, merely to bring them in same footing. I don’t want them to believe any woman is a goddess, rather just another human being making lots of mistakes and filled with love and compassion. I don’t allow any entertainment that demean women , my children are not to view women as commodities for pleasure. I feel this is a great responsibility nature has bestowed on me- Bringing up feminist boys so that they never discriminate against women or anyone based on gender identity.

Going back to the first conversation: after listening to my explanation (Historically women have always stayed behind, so they are at the front of the line now etc) My 12 years old took his younger sibling’s complain to heart and said, “ The first graders don’t know discrimination, why are you sending them at the back?” I guess that was a bit much. I must talk to the teacher.